Am I crazy for feeling cheated by my Black Ex?

Aloha, very glad to have found your website as I am expecting and a bit stressed. I am a BW now married to a WM, this is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 16 years to a BM who was military. Very stressful. We have four children together whom he has not contacted in several years racking up 40k in back support. All this from an educated BM who more than had the resources to pay the little ordered and then some. He now has two more children with an Italian/Black woman whom he has not married. I of course am remarried to a WM who has resumed the responsibility of raising my four and our one we will soon have. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because of pregnancy but I'm experiencing feelings of bitterness towards my ex for not sticking around and raising his children especially his only son. I tried to make it easy for him and he just was not interested. I came to the conclusion that while making the babies was fun when it finally came to the very real responsibility of raising his children when he was placed on shore duty it was some he wanted nothing to do with. He of course used most of his time to cheat with non BW and ignore his family. This is a different experience from my now husband who spent most of his time actively looking for a partner to marry and start a family with but failing. Big contrast a lot of bitterness. I'm raising a BM I don't want his behaviour to echo his bio dads. I kinda feel like most BM are not wanting to be family types but WM after an appropriate time see it as a much wanted milestone. Am I crazy?! - M

Aloha M

I dont think you are crazy for feeling cheated by your ex not taking up his responsibilities for your children. Your feelings of guilt at having these emotions however says a lot about the fact that black women are cautioned not to make any demands on black men and not to make life in anyway complicated for black men who need to be free of all obligations and responsbilities. Such is the warning, that when we ask them to carry their own share of any family responsibility, we start to feel guilty and ashamed as if we are imposing on them and not that we are simply requiring them to take up their fair share and as they should.

Stress, pregnancy and hormones has possibly forced to the surface, the repressed anger at yielding to being taken advantage of, and maybe it has forced you to break with the program that you are expected to follow, so now you do not want to continue to be 'reasonable' as expected.

I have noticed that most black families dont groom their male children to 'take over the family business', so to say. In other words black men are raised to dogde any family burdens, tasks or responsibility. They are not raised to see themselves as one day taking up the responsbility of mama and papa (if there is one in the house!). Instead it is assumed that the daughters will step in to ensure that black males have as unencumbered a life and lifestyle as possible. Sadly black men do what they can get away with and black women have been lectured to ensure that the black man gets away with the whole game and at her expence!

Black women are positioned as the resource and black men the parasite who can and should feed off her if he so desires, this is how the black subculture positions the genders such that black women have to deliberately opt out of the arrangement. I say deliberately because at this point, any black woman who drifts into a relationship with any black man is almost 80% certain to find her relationship with him tracing this vampyric path even in marriage! Just by being with a black man, a black woman almost certainly has signed up to this contract of being resource drained (I have argued this in my book First Steps to Personal Empowerment that the devalued status of black women is ubiquitous in the black setting such that black marrige now offers no guarantee of division of labor). Indeed the using of black women as resource, now follows black women into marriage relationships where black man see marriage as another effective space to better effect the 'feeding off black women' cycle.

My suggestion is however that you let him and his issues fade away, because there is nothing that can be done to get what is owed you or get justice regarding this situation.

Immerse yourself in your new and honorable man, give him a big kiss and a neck rub, because you dont know how lucky you are to be with a man who can be so generous and chilvarous. Dont let any bad feelings and past issues come in to sour your relationship for even two seconds. And when your son sees you respond with admiration and respect he will know that this, this is what a real man; who earns the love and respect of a woman, does. You see the thing is that we have to give clear messages to our children about what a man of honor really is. The sad thing is that many of us bw (urged by the black community), have sent out a confusing message to our young sons. Our sons see us try to help the situation with their black dads, they see black women cut men slack and reward them for failing and it becomes impressed in their minds that black women have to make do and understand and keep the love flowing no matter what black men do. With this idea in mind black boys are surely not going to be motivated to do better, they even start feeling entitled and get angry at any demand.

When you go to your husband and give him a neck rub after a hard days work, your son will see that and know that a man works hard to come home to an appreciative woman!

....

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.


First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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They dont have to hate you to not want to date you!

It is important to understand and recognize how other act towards you because you will need this knowledge to be able to formulate a good plan and strategy for going forward socially.

Black men and leaning on resources of black women
When black men start out in life, they lean heavily on the resources and the good-will of black women. When black men arrive at some form of social stability they begin to protest this 'confinement' to black women as lovers and for relationships. This is one of the main dynamics draining wealth from black circles and represents the 'outward pouring' dynamic (resources traveling always out and away from black women, who create more only to have it move outwards again and again as they use it to build black men up) that leaves many black women poor and depletes their resources whether physical, emotional or mental.

Am I saying all black men do this? No, but it is done in significant numbers to be an issue for black women and an issue in terms of the drain on the meager resources black women can hardly spare. In addition many black men looking at the state of affairs also begin to aspire to the same dynamic if and when they can (once they don’t need black women to sponsor or support them). Indeed because this dynamic seems to go hand in hand with notions of prestige (i.e. rich and well to do black men picking lighter and even white skinned women and so acquiring these women is correlated with being successful etc), the trend continues upwards.

What accounts for the singleness rates among even well turned out black women
One key factor is black women focusing their romantic attention on black men exclusively. Not only does it create a culture where the idea is sold abroad that no other men need apply, it keeps black males confident that they can always get a black women and thus don’t need to be in a hurry to commit to any (and from observation this gamble is paying off as black women willingly take on, support and subsidize men who are pass their prime or who have become financially depleted). The value of black women is lowered, since no one else appears to be asking them out.

Get this Book (I wish I had thought to write is because it just needed to be written, well done D Cooper!)


I want to emphasize the point I made in the title: Black men don’t need to hate black women to not date them.

I think many folk might have gleaned the impression unwittingly from as BWE bloggers, that only black man who have contempt for black women (and show this in their actions, manner etc) exclude black women from their dating options. Many of us have come across these men, there is no denying it, however I want to illuminate the fact that not every black man excludes black women because of hate. There are black men who smile at black women, commend them on their efforts for community, say, 'Hey sis you look good', stop the bus to let you on, pull up a chair for you or move along for you to sit down....they still wont date you though!

I repeat, many black men dont actually hate black women or bear them ill-will but they just will not date them or marry them, many even feel attracted to black women but will end up with white and other women for all sorts of social and personal reasons. To the black women, no matter the 'good times' and 'laughs' if you are looking to be romantically attached, these men are of ZERO value to you!

Many black women spend years thinking, “Well he laughs at my jokes, compliments me on my natural hair, says kind words to me, spoke positively about me to management ...something is going to happen between us soon.” A black woman could quite easily spend years and years thinking that the black men around who show drips and drops of this social affection are just one step away of asking them out on a date. Whether it is church or work these black women hang around on hope until they loose the bloom of youth. Its a heartbreaking thing to see happen, yet in that state, you can hardly reach these women with reason.

The black woman of today must grow socially intelligent and must be able to read and interpret the running scripts of society in its response to her, especially when it is a repeating theme! A black woman cannot be helped if she wants to ignore the themes or pretend they aren’t there. Every other group on earth moves forward by being savvy to their situation. As I recently told a black woman, 'Black men are not marrying black women to any significant extent in today’s western society. It is for black women to figure this out quickly and get over the shock and paralysis to change course and rescue their own romantic and relationship ambitions.'


My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon Here (Do Black women in Afros date white Guys?)   &   Here(First Steps to personal Empowerment)

"Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?" is also available on Kindle

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

         

Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?

 

Next Level of Activism: The boycot Video

I have always said that the next stage of BWE (Black Woman Empowerment) activism will happen when the next set of BWE activists master modern mediums and use these to push the BWE message. That is why I was so happy this video!

It will get to a stage where the likes of Tyler Perry who cast bw bashers will realize that it is not a good business decision and that it will lead to their film tanking, therefore they will investigate each cast member for a clean record. Image in one fell swoop we can get rid of all these bw-bashers and teach others that its a sure way to career ruin to be a bw-basher. Not just that white media will also catch on that bw are punishing their detractors and will opt to not cast the likes of Terrance Howard, etc if they want to appeal to black views (who are mostly black women). So I am very happy with the work of this sister, 4Blackwomenonly, you get an A plus from me and God bless you with a million dollars in your bank account.

Now I want other black women to investigate and research for other instances of hate speach against bw, in magazines, twitter etc (these fools have been open and crowing with their anti-bw hatred now it wont be too hard to find the evidence), and either send info to this young black woman or do a similar well made video also.

And the least we can do is heed the message and turn away from all films that cast any bw-basher. As you and I know dozens of bw will continue to go to support these films, why?  Because their dignity means so little, because like Essau that sold his birthright for a plate of pottage, they wold rather assuage some temporal need for foolish diversion than sacrifice that for their future betterment and that of all their little black daughters who dont deserve to live under the poisonous atmosphere unleashed by anti-black women haters!

Anyway great stuff '4blackwomenonly.'

Please be sure to forward this youtube video to at least two black women you know at a minium! Listen up BWE black women, if you are really serious about ending the siege against black women, you will do your bit, and sending an simple and sensible video (which no one in their right mind would have a problem with) is just bare minimum. THERE SHOULD BE NO EXCUSES WHY YOU COULDNT SPEND FIVE MINUTES DOING THIS!

White male readers I also invite you to send this video to black female acquinatances. Just say, "I saw this and wondered what your comments are about this issue." By pitching in all of us, we will senstize black women to their duty to stand up for themselves and push back against the toxicity aimed at black women!

I say dont just boycott, "Bankrupt all black woman bashers", let them be out on the streets! So be it.


Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon Here 'Do Black women' & Here (First Steps)

"Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?" is also available on Kindle

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

           

Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?

 

Black women not ready to stop being spat on by Black males

...This is the reason why we preach for black women to disconnect themselves from the larger body of black women and seek their own individual joy. When you do this you ensure your sanity and ensure yourself a good life, away from black female 'willing victims' and women who are still happy to be spat on and degraded by black men and thus who ensure that more muck from black men is heading their way.

She thinks its funny

...to have a cake this gruesome

Indeed in the most recent example we have the black male actor Kevin Hart, involved in tweeting and posting vile stuff about black women and you would think that that would be enough to raise the self preservation instinct in black women at least enough to do what they need to do to put an end to these irresponsible, almost weekly acts of public degradation of black womanhood by black men. Instead what you get is black woman after black woman rushing to defend the black male actor and bending over backwards to both excuse and deny the intent of his actions, as if it is nothing for them to be spat on and disrespected.

Black women must be the only target audience for whom studio executive and casting directors do no due dilligence, and cant be bothered to ensure that the actors (the men these women will be watching) have a clean and respectful past with their target audeince. Instead and increasingly we are seeing black men who have raped and beat down and said the most vile things against black women getting some of the most plum roles in black cinema!

Do you know why black women have no sympathy for themselves?

One clear reason is that black women are trained to cast themselves as the broad-shouldered and mature adult viz a viz black men. When issues of black men and their situation etc come up for discussion, black women immediately slip themselves into the role of the adult who should therefore be understanding and symptahetic in their view of black men (as the adult in the situation) and regard black men's actions in the most sympathetic of ways even when these men are brutalizing black women.

You need to disengage yourself from any notion that, "We have to be understanding and concerned about black men because they suffer and are victimized." Its time to tell all and sundry that you have run out of sympathy for black men and whatever little sympathy you have left you want to now focus on poor black women especially black girls who have had to go without care and concern from anybody from forever.

Tell folks who want to recruit you to black men's sympathy and excusing club, that you are no longer willing to be cast as the big sister, the older mature one viz a viz black men, and that you now duly and willingly elevate black men to the same level as yourself ie as a mature, competent person who should be held to an adult standard and adult responsibilty for their actions and not excused/understood in their agression and brutality because somehow they are the 'infants' and the victims in the arrangement!


Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

              

Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?

 

I am happy to announce my latest E-books are available...finally!

Yes it took longer than I anticipated and promised but my latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon (for now only Do Black women in Afros date White Guys? is available on amazon kindle and First Steps to Personal Empowerment will be available in the coming week or two).

I am genuinely excited by these ones because they mark for me a consolidation of my message through out these 7 years that I have been championing full options dating and maximised living for black women and indeed encouraging black women and white men to form relationships.

I am making these available at a special and very reasonable price for now because I want as many of you to avail yourself of the information in these books. I cant recommend them enough. You cant get enough of Black Women Empowerment (BWE) books and materials because BWE is not common out there, therefore you need to buy up all you can get. If I was growing up now or trying to make it in life I would want someone to point me in the direction of these books and the information they contained.

Its taken me over six years to both decide and commit to producing these two books after writing, "Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy...?" The reason is that for me, a book has to go through me first and I have to get to grips and learn the lessons I hope to teach. After "Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy...?" I understood that many white men were eager to have a version that dealth with their angle on interracial dating with black women. Black women on their part need more than anything else to understand the context within which they are experiencing all the modern day travails and the lack and hardship that they confront as a group in the 21st century. Even with black women who want to do the best for themselves and are doingall they can to live optimally, they are in a situation where there is a context overide of their best efforts and best intentions, indeed if the foundation is wrong, not much can be corrected. It is when you untangle the framework that underpins your problem situation, that you can then move forward freely towards the best life possible!

There is also a bonus book on the website which is a free download!

Add caption

Synopsis 'First Steps to Personal Empowerment'
A book of this kind focusing on personal empowerment would usually take the form of detailing the things a black woman would need to do to be ‘empowered'.

However there is an underpinning to the current lifestyle of black women, one that has left many dissatisfied and with poor returns on so much devotion and for trying to do right by their black community.

The modern black woman complains that she cannot fulfil her personal marital ambitions, she is stretched thin by demands from community, family and church congregation till she barely has enough time and resources to look after her personal well-being.
In fact black women are expected to submit to endless sacrifice for the black community and never think about receiving anything back for their efforts.

My first aim with this book is to pull back the covers and reveal the underpinning to this raw-deal situation for black women. I take an in-depth look at the ‘constructs’ that force black women to trace a life path leading to unhappiness and unfulfilled life ambitions.

This two-phased book looks at how black women who are overtly concerned about looking after their race (race handmaidens) end up reaping little for this devotion. It explores how the race handmaiden is both created and how the black social context sustains handmaiden living in black women even as personal satisfaction recedes.

The second part of this book will look at how black women can untangle themselves from handmaiden living, exit the conditions keeping them unrewarded on the personal front and move into a life of personal empowerment.

You can get this illustrated and multiple paged e-book now for a special price of $4.99 by placing your order here
    

Synopsis "Do black women in Afros date white guys?"
Are you a white man who is beginning to think about what it could mean to date a black woman? Or, have you had a puzzling experience and would like some ideas on the black woman’s mind on dating white guys?

Do you want to get clued up to their ‘thinking’ in general about race and relationships and about black white social interaction? Could you do with getting a better understanding of where black women are coming from by exploring some very key social realities for the black woman and the social expectations placed upon them by their communities and by society in general?

If the answer is yes, to any of these questions, then this book will get you off to a good start!

The aim of this book is to lay a knowledge foundation that will assist genuine white men in a better understanding of the black women they interact with socially and the many reactions they might encounter, to help successfully forge relationships and friendships with black women. With this book you will get answers to 90 common questions that come from white men themselves about the black women in their lives, their black female friends and even colleagues.

Written in an easy question and answer format, the book is also interspaced with full chapters dealing with issues like; why black women and white men often appear disinterested in each other romantically, how to get connected, the background on the current fraught situation between black men and women, how third parties affect interracial dating, racism and working through your own issues around race.

You can get this 63 page e-book now for a special price of $6.99 by placing your order here or from Amazon Kindle

Self-esteem is overated, loose the weight now!

March 6th

Whoever gave black women this idea that they can only undertake ventures that are pleasing and only those that do not give them even the slightest feeling of worry, or doubt or anger. Hogwash!

Sometimes you have to do what you know you need to do with tears in your eyes, even struggling and complaining all the way down the line but still putting one foot in front of the other.

A Cat Named Esteem

This is the season of lent, this is the time to think and rethink ideas. I suggest a rethink of our need for comfort and feeling comfortable all the time and everytime.

Even the psalmist David had reason to say, "It was good that I was afflicted that I might learn your statutes" Psalm 119:71. We cannot always look to be comfortable, pampered, unchallenged, appealed to nicely before we do what is necessary." Fat jokes are cruel but the real truth is that some folks are just so darn sensitive to anything. If they would put as much energy into reaching their goal weight as trying to police how people speak about these issues they would have achieved their goals like yesterday!

There is one line that really jumped out at me in the latest film on Margaret Thatcher, 'The Iron lady'. Meryl Streep playing the Iron Lady, told the doctor treating her that, "People are so concerned these days about how they feel, instead ask me what I think. I think I will be just fine.' And this from a dementing frail old lady.

But real talk folks, why are black people and black women in particular all over 'Newagey-leftish-feel-good' claptrap. "My feelings, my feelings, my feelings", always about feelings and how they were hurt by someone and something! Poor sensitive modern man, you would wonder how our ancestors made it to the modern human. I am thinking they weren’t all that psychologically sensitive a bunch who got upset that a Lion looked at them the wrong way, or an antelope stepped on their foot. Indeed I sometimes wonder what the vegetarians in the group felt about all that killing and eating of meat, their sensitive feelings must have been crushed!

Black women are too focussed on feeling wonderful all the time, blessed and highly favoured, to actually let uncomfortable feelings motivate them into something better. But we should all have realized something was wrong when all these black women were reporting high self esteem when: black women are the least likely to wear their own hair, They are besieged by colorism in their communities, singleness rates (correlated with lack of companionships) and OOW rates are sky high, lets not even mention all the other horrible things black women are subjected to in 'their' communities.

I am afraid the whole high self esteem thing suggests that black women have actually retreated into fairy land because of all the terrors that surround them!
 
A level of dissatisfaction with self and ones current situation is necessary to motivate a person to take the steps towards self-improvement. Self-esteem is reality based, it is wry, it is hopeful but realistic, it doesnt stay down but bounces back.
 
It is amazing that as an overweight woman myself I never feel personally attacked by calls to loose weight. Instead I nod at the latest reminder and make another mental note about what to try next because like Thomas Eddison, I know 1000 ways not to loose weight and will know 1 on how to do it succesfully!
 
If you get upset at these calls to lay aside the weight, then it might be pointing to the fact that you have resigned to the situatuion and dont believe you can ever achieve your healthy weight goal!
 
 
Is self-esteem Overated? 
 
Comments
Black women need to look at themselves without attaching all the baggage of black community politics on their shoulders. Be open to examining their possibilities and embracing them wholeheartedly. That's the message I hope black women who are currently dealing with weight issues get eventually. It took me awhile to fully get it, and I thank you and other BWE bloggers for being a source of encouragement and hope for me and countless others -Tiffany


I am not even sure what the media means by "self-esteem". I think as you say, BW might be using the word in a different context. It may mean a surviving and coping tactic of working with what you've got (in hectic environments). From the first day I started work, a BW who's been watching and studying me (my hair, clothes and personal life), has started to tell everyone (who'd listen) how much weight she's lost and will lose.


I feel for her. She suffers from: asthma, diabetes, likely a thyroid problem, and a disabled leg. It's great that she's taken action, but I wonder why she waited all these years after being afflicted with severe health issues to do something about it. I don't know what truly motivates her now, but I hope she sticks with it.
And, by the way, she's got great "self-esteem." - Goldenah


The whole 'Self Esteem' idea has become something that only has one good answer: "Yes, I have good self esteem!" To say anything else would be the public admission of a defect or weakness. How can a 'strong' bw, struggling to take care of everything and everyone in her life possibly say anything else? -Arthur


the problem is that contentment breeds stagnation. black women are overall not winning and instead are dropping dead from heart disease, diabetes, and other obesity related things, so until they aren't content with being "okay" and are instead wanting more and wanting the best, then nothing will change.- SocialiteDreams

There's really only a small amount of bw who will choose to thrive instead of being just okay. And this is what it all comes down to.- Faith

The Kindle books are a little behind schedule But Any moment Now! I am making the e-books available on PDF downloads as some of you have requested!


2 e-books Available on Amazon Kindle early 2012



However are you wondering about Interracial dating?

You will find answers in this other e-book which gives a clear insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her interracial dating option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

What does it mean that black women have 'High self esteem' ?

3rd March 2012
I want to say first of all that I have had to disable anonymous comments, because allowing anonymous comments meant also allow an amazing amount of spam. So to leave comments, please sign in (I believe you can also sign in as a guest, though not too sure about that one!).

Ok now we have heard about the latest 'negative' focus on black women and their lives and this time from Kaiser foundation and the survey they have done about black women and their body image. I am glad to see the healthy and diverse debate across the black female advocacy-blogsphere. Some say black women should not have to be focussed on, just like bacteria in a petri dish and this has a lot of truth to it. Others say black women should heed the wake up call and also black women cannot avoid 'media gawking' because they tend to as a demographic, trace out an existence that is just atypical even bizarre to the rest of society. I can also agree with these points.

Some have also countered the secondary argument that arose due to the debate on the Kaiser study (google Kaiser, black women, self-eseteem for more on the study) of black female body atitudes  -the secondary argument that it is about time that black women quit being 'happy with fatty'- by insisting that black women who made such remarks are wrong for denying black women their self esteem and the strength that they have shown in and despite their situation. They see black women having a positive self-image even though obese as a good thing.

I want to point out also that black women tend to, for their view points, be entrenched in the liberal position on most things. I can detect the subtext in the ensuing debate, of the liberal canard that people deserve to be who they are and who they want to be without judgement or criticism. Thus black women should not be picked on because of who or what they are. The trouble with this perspective is that it freezes black women in the frame they are currently in and locks out space for any transformation. Are we saying that, (replacing the words people with black women of the liberal position above) black women deserve to be (obese, unhealthy eaters, in denial about the realities of obesity and health) without judgement or criticism.

I also want to suggest that what we deem as healthy self esteem might not necessarily be such. Self esteem also requires an acknowledgement or a 'tie' with reality to be authentic in my view not a dismissing of the end point of a particular course.  It is a bit problematic for black women to be happy and comfortable in a situation that is dangerous and damaging and points to something different from 'healthy self-esteem' in my view (possibly an unhealthy high self-esteem might describe the situation!).

Beware of judging black women's self esteem by the same indicators as those used to judge that of women who are not black. It seems it is now necessary to come up with a different range of indicators to test out this supposed high self-esteem among black women.

The Kindle books are a little behind schedule But Any moment Now! I am making the e-books available on PDF downloads as some of you have requested!

2 e-books Available on Amazon Kindle early 2012



However are you wondering about Interracial dating?

You will find answers in this other e-book which gives a clear insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, including her interracial dating option. Get yourself clued up!

Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com